Spahub.com Launches New Spa & Wellness Blog | Health and

Spahub.com, the largest online spa directory, launches their new wellness blog as the latest addition to their website, with contributing writers covering a range of health and wellness topics; everything from spa facials to cosmetic surgical procedures.

Best Prices on all YOUR Health and Fitness Requirements! CLICK HERE

Source: http://www.16g.org/spahub-com-launches-new-spa-wellness-blog/

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Source: http://carolinian-showstopping.blogspot.com/2013/03/spahubcom-launches-new-spa-wellness.html

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Celebrities Who Have Aged Gracefully - Indian Makeup and Beauty ...

Celebrities Who Have Aged Gracefully

?Live and let live,? is what I always say; however, seeing celebrities turning themselves into non-biodegradable (figuratively) sacks of silicon and lead just saddens me. Where are the times when growing old was all about attaining short lived yet immense wisdom and having grace in whatever you did (Bye- Bye the youth of Clumsiness).

As Audrey Hepburn had rightly said, ?The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she knows.? Also, being a celebrity comes with responsibility; there is a reason why every successful person doesn?t want to be in the limelight. I have heard women talking about how Botox is this magical treatment that will make you look young and beautiful without knowing the complete truth. ?These treatments only make you look superficial, and PLASTIC. ?Make your expressions stiff and you loose that beautiful laugh of yours.

A little known fact: Men love it when ladies have a sense of humour and know how to laugh without worrying what it does to their face. ?So stop worrying, smile and be unpredictable, which is what is going to keep you forever young!

Now to the list:

Those who have aged gracefully:

1.) ?Hema Malini: ?She is proof that a good balanced diet, drinking loads of warm water goes a long way. She could easily pass off as one of the sisters of her kids. She never succumbed to any new fads, diets or even those ?wondrous? surgical helps. She is a natural beauty and true example of the saying by Miss Hepburn, ?Beauty of a woman, with passing years only grows.?

2.)Jane Fonda: Can you believe this woman is in her seventies? Just look at her, amazing! She inspires me everyday to wake up early in the morning and run that extra mile. True believer of a good diet and exercise to keep oneself fit, energetic and feeling young; she has her own website dedicated to a fit and healthy living. Man, she has a fitness level of a 12-year-old having a sugar rush!

3.) ?Salma Hayek: Though still very young (comparatively), I still think she deserves to be on the list. ?She is the only who knows what a good diet truly means, not only do you need the proteins and vitamins, but the fats and carbohydrates (but in a limited quantity, too much of anything is bad. Excess of proteins isn?t going to do you any good either).

She had once said her secret to looking young were carbohydrates. That does make more sense than one of those crazy diets, don?t you agree? Think of how beneficial the butters and the oils you use on your skin are going to be on ingestion. Think of how cooking with Argan oil can give you the perfect glowing and supple skin. She is going to be the one to watch out for in the coming years and so are her kids!)

4.) Jennifer Lopez: ?This woman doesn?t look her age, and has only gotten more beautiful and healthy with age. Dancing and exercise along with a good diet are the secrets behind this yummy mummy?s fitness. ?Zoom in on her eyes and you will notice less wrinkles on her face than a girl in her late twenties. I can bet all of my money on the fact that she is going to be a stunner even in her 70s, giving some tough competition to Ms. Jane.

5.) Rekha: This list wouldn?t have been complete without her. She has still maintained her figure seems to not have aged even a single day since she turned thirty and carries herself with such grace. She doesn?t try too hard to look young and never looks tacky in whatever she does. She carries herself with such grace in those beautiful saris and even accessorizes age appropriately.

6.) Helen Mirren: Did you look at how amazing she looked at the 83rd Academy Awards. This lady was voted as the body of the year in 2011 by fitness fanatics in the U.K., beating out actresses 20 and 30 years younger than her. Beat that, Pippa! The 66-year-old beauty attributes her slim and envious body to walking her dogs constantly and is also a fan of Wii Fit.

7.)Michelle Pfeiffer: ?Keeps her 53-year-old body in shape with daily treadmill workouts (4-6 miles a day). Plus, she adheres to a low-fat diet that doesn?t include wheat, dairy, or sugar. The actress is often spotted in public without a stitch of makeup, saying she doesn?t like to wear a lot of color on her face. Pfeiffer?s natural radiance shines through, still can?t figure out how she manages to look this good at her age (Probably found the fountain of youth Ponce was looking for).

8. Kim Cattrall: ?She says she shies away from plastic surgery because she doesn?t feel the need to look 20 years younger. At 54, she admits it?s harder to stay fit than it used to be, but thanks to daily workouts and drinking eight cups of water, she still looks like Sex and the City?s favorite man-eater. ?Confession, I think she is much sexier than SJP and rocked that dress better than Miley in Sex and the City two.

Sridevi: True example of the fact that, talent doesn?t have a shelf life. She looks much slimmer and fitter than she used to at the peek of her career. Her skin still has the same glow and she hasn?t taken any surgical help. Proof? Her ability to still pull ? off those priceless she is known for. One of the finest actresses in our she looks the same she used to two decades ago, only better. If rumors are to be believed, she only has salads and doesn?t drink even when she goes to a party.

Special Mention:

1.) Julianne Moore.
2.) Sharmila Tagore.
3.) Catherine Keener.
4.) Zeenat Aman (Man, she is so elegant!).
5.) Cindy Crawford (People still want a figure like her?s).
6.) Maduri Dixit Nene.
7.) Waheda Rahman.
8.) Malaika Arora- Khan.

Those who haven?t aged gracefully:

Bridget Bardot: She was known for her slim ballerina figure and beautiful skin and her shiny hair molded in the shape of a beehive. She allowed her health and fitness to take backseat with each passing year. The years of frail skin and hair came a little too soon, blame on the years of partying hard and drinking harder. Something her slim figure could not handle.

Heidi Montag: Anti-ageing in healthy ways like exercise, healthy food and sunscreen is what our bodies are wired to accept, but some people just go overboard. At 25, she got a record- breaking ten plastic surgeries done in one single day. She looks nothing like the fresh faced beautiful teenager from season one of hills. If reports are to be believed, she has already started regretting getting them done. Sigh, things fame makes you do.

Courtney Love , now 47, rocked the acting and music industry when she was in her 20s. Then, she took a hiatus from Hollywood and reportedly stripped to support herself, dealt with depression and anger, used marijuana, cocaine, and heroine, and had a rocky marriage to Kurt Cobain that ended with his suicide. ?Stress, drugs all lead to her downfall.

Others include:

1.) Steven Tyler (Guess the cocktail of sex, alcohol and too muck rock didn?t work out for this American idol judge).
2.) Jack Nicholson (He should write a book on how to turn from Beauty into a beast. Ouch. Was that too harsh?)
3.) Marlon Brando ( This talented heart ? breaking machine was known for his infamous antics and bad ? boy image. He turned from a beauty to an old, frail, pot ?bellied. Expected better from this talent ? machine. Nonetheless he was talented and will be remembered always in our hearts).
4.) Lindsay Lohan (Stealing, addiction to drugs, alcohol, tumultuous relationships , and surgeries not meant for your age can really take a toll on your skin and health. Lesson learned. Miss the fresh- faced parent trap actress).
5.) Saira Banu: Married to Dilip kumar, this ex-beauty and film star lost her health and beauty, even while not having kids.

Image Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10

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Botox and Celebrities

Tagged as: beauty blog, bollywood actresses, celebrites, hollywood actresses, Indian fashion Blog, Indian Makeup Blog

Source: http://makeupandbeauty.com/celebrities-aged-gracefully/

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Ailing Boston Mayor Menino won't seek re-election

BOSTON (AP) ? Boston's longest-serving mayor, Thomas Menino, won't seek re-election for a sixth term amid ongoing health problems.

A person with direct knowledge of his decision told The Associated Press on Wednesday that Menino planned to announce he wouldn't be seeking re-election. The person spoke on condition of anonymity because the person was not authorized to speak publicly.

Menino's spokeswoman would say only that the mayor planned an announcement for Thursday.

The 70-year-old Democrat was re-elected to a fifth four-year term in 2009. He has recently faced a series of health problems but has remained popular with voters.

Menino was hospitalized for eight weeks in the fall after a respiratory infection and a blood clot that was complicated by a spinal fracture and diabetes.

He told reporters in November that he had no plans to retire but deflected questions about whether he would seek another term.

Menino's decision is expected to trigger a political scramble to replace him as a new generation of political figures eye the mayor's office.

Menino already has one challenger, City Councilor John Connolly, who declared his mayoral bid last month. Menino had been considered a heavy favorite to win re-election.

As recently as January, Menino delivered an upbeat assessment of the city during his annual state of the city address.

Menino used a cane to walk to the podium and spoke vigorously about his plans for Boston. At the time, Menino gave no indication on whether he'd decided to seek a sixth term this year.

"Our progress is real. Our future is bright. The state of our city is striking, sound and strong," he said in prepared remarks that cited progress on economic development and crime reduction.

As recently as Tuesday, Menino appeared at a rally at Boston City Hall plaza to urge the U.S. Supreme Court to repeal the federal Defense of Marriage Act.

Menino became acting mayor after his predecessor, Raymond Flynn, left office in 1993 after being named ambassador to the Vatican.

The city's previous longest serving mayor, the late Kevin White, was in office for four terms, from 1968 to 1983.

During his years in office, Menino also became a vigorous national voice in favor of stricter gun control measures.

He co-founded Mayors Against Illegal Guns with New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg and criticized the National Rifle Association's call for more armed guards at schools after the Connecticut school shooting in December.

"That is crazy," Menino said. "Every victim of gun violence and their families knows that's crazy."

Last year, Menino also played a crucial role in helping elect U.S. Sen. Elizabeth Warren, campaigning with her at stops across the city.

Source: http://news.yahoo.com/ailing-boston-mayor-menino-wont-seek-election-030949491.html

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PlayStation 4's Blu-ray drive is 3x as fast as PS3's, PSN friends list cap raised, and other tidbits from Sony's GDC panel

The PlayStation 4's new DualShock 4 controller can be charged even while the PlayStation 4 is turned off. The PlayStation 4's new Eye motion camera has a tilt sensor so it can tell players when its facing the wrong direction or if it's fallen off your TV stand. The PlayStation 4's Blu-ray disc drive is three times as fast as the PlayStation 3's. In case it weren't clear, Sony's PlayStation 4 panel at this week's Game Developers Conference wasn't chock full of major revelations, but it did provide plenty of interesting little details about the PlayStation 4 and its various hardware companions.

For instance, the console's "True Name" social functionality isn't automatic -- you have to opt-in to who will see your real name versus your PlayStation Network ID. That is, unless you find a friend through Facebook or another social network where your real name is already your main ID; in that instance, the console defaults to displaying your actual name. That's not the only change coming to your friends list, either, as the standing 100 friends cap is being raised to an unknown amount.

Additionally, the Gaikai-powered Remote Play functionality between the Vita and PS4 is said to be "much better," according to Sony senior staff engineer Chris Norden. Not only can it display your PS4 games in the Vita's native resolution (960x544), but it can be activated at any given time rather than having to be preset. And unlike Remote Play on PS3, with PS4 the game being pushed to the Vita is mirrored on your television screen. None of this stuff is what we'd call red hot, but we're hungry for PS4 details and this is what Sony's delivering. Here's hoping the company's more forthcoming at E3.

Filed under: Gaming, HD, Sony

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Source: http://feeds.engadget.com/~r/weblogsinc/engadget/~3/7jcDtdDgTmw/

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Riding the exosome shuttle from neuron to muscle

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Important new research from UMass Medical School demonstrates how exosomes shuttle proteins from neurons to muscle cells where they take part in critical signaling mechanisms, an exciting discovery that means these tiny vehicles could one day be loaded with therapeutic agents, such as RNA interference (RNAi), and directly target disease-carrying cells. The study, published this month in the journal Neuron, is the first evidence that exosomes can transfer membrane proteins that play an important role in cell-to-cell signaling in the nervous system.

"There has been a long-held belief that certain cellular materials, such as integral membrane proteins, are unable to pass from one cell to another, essentially trapping them in the cell where they are made," said Vivian Budnik, PhD, professor of neurobiology and lead author of the study. "What we've shown in this study is that these cellular materials can actually move between different cell types by riding in the membrane of exosomes.

"What is so exciting about this discovery is that these exosomes can deliver materials from one cell, over a distance, to a very specific and different cell," said Dr. Budnik. "Once inside the recipient cell, the materials contained in the exosome can influence or perform processes in the new cell. This raises the enticing possibility that exosomes can be packed with gene therapies, such as RNAi, and delivered to diseased cells where they could have a therapeutic effect for people."

Discovered in the mid-80s, exosomes have only recently attracted the attention of scientists at large, according to Budnik. Exosomes are small vesicles containing cellular materials such as microRNA, messenger RNAs (mRNAs) and proteins, packaged inside larger, membrane-bound bodies called multivesicular bodies (MVBs) inside cells. When MVBs containing exosomes fuse with the cell plasma membrane, they release these exosome vesicles into the extracellular space. Once outside the cell, exosomes can then travel to other cells, where they are taken up. The recipient cells can then use the materials contained within exosomes, influencing cellular function and allowing the recipient cell to carry out certain processes that it might not be able to complete otherwise.

Budnik and colleagues made this startling discovery while investigating how the synapses at the end of neurons and nearby muscle cells communicate in the developing Drosophila fruit fly to form the neuromuscular junction (NMJ). The NMJ is essential for transmitting electrical signals between neurons and muscles, allowing the organism to move and control important physiological processes. Alterations of the NMJ can lead to devastating diseases, such as muscular dystrophy and Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS). Understanding how the NMJ develops and is maintained is important for human health.

As organisms develop, the synapse and muscle cell need to grow in concert. If one or the other grows too quickly or not quickly enough, it could have dire consequences for the ability of the organism to move and survive. To coordinate development, signals are sent from the neuron to the muscle cell (anterograde signals) and from the muscle cell to the neuron (retrograde signals). However, the identity of these signals and how their release is coordinated is poorly understood.

Normally, the vesicle protein Synaptotagmin 4 (Syt4) is found in both the synapse and the muscle cells. Previous knockout experiments eliminating the Syt4 protein from Drosophila have resulted in stunted NMJs. Suspecting that Syt4 played an important role in retrograde signaling at the developing NMJ, Budnik and colleagues used knockdown experiments to decrease Syt4 protein levels in either the neurons or the muscle cells. Surprisingly, when RNAi was used to knockdown Syt4 in the neurons alone, Syt4 protein was eliminated in both neurons and muscles. The opposite was not the case. When Syt4 was knocked down in muscle cells only, there was no change in the levels of Syt4 in either muscles or neurons.

To confirm this, Budnik and colleagues inserted a Syt4 gene into the neurons of a Drosophila mutant completely lacking the normal protein. This restored Syt4 in both neurons and muscle cells. Further experiments suggested that the only source of Syt4 is the neuron. These observations were consistent with the model that Syt4 is actually transferred from neurons to muscle cells. As a transmembrane protein, however, Syt4 was thought to be unable to move from one cell to another through traditional avenues. How the Syt4 protein was moving from neuron to muscle cell was unclear.

Knowing that exosomes had been observed to carry transmembrane proteins in other systems and from their own work on the Drosophila NMJ, Budnik and colleagues began testing to see if exosomes could be the vehicle responsible for carrying Syt4 form neurons to muscles. "We had previously observed that it was possible to transfer transmembrane proteins across the NMJ through exosomes, a process also observed in the immune system," said Budnik. "We suspect this was how Syt4 was making its way from the neuron to the muscle."

When exosomes were purified from cultured cells containing Syt4, they found that exosomes indeed contained Syt4. In addition, when these purified exosomes were applied to cultured muscle cells from fly embryos, these cells were able to take up the purified Syt4 exosomes. Taken together, these findings indicate that Syt4 plays a critical role in the signaling process between synapse and muscle cell that allows for coordinated development of the NMJ. While Syt4 is required to release a retrograde signal from muscle to neuron, a component of this retrograde signal must be supplied from the neuron to the muscle. This establishes a positive feedback loop that ensures coordinated growth of the NMJ. Equally important is the finding that this feedback mechanism is enabled by the use of exosomes, which can shuttle transmembrane proteins across cells.

"While this discovery greatly enhances our understanding of how the neural muscular junction develops and works, it also has tremendous promise as a potential vector for targeted genetic therapies," said Budnik. "More work needs to be done, but this study significantly supports the possibility that exosomes could be loaded with therapeutic agents and delivered to specific cells in patients."

###

University of Massachusetts Medical School: http://www.umassmed.edu

Thanks to University of Massachusetts Medical School for this article.

This press release was posted to serve as a topic for discussion. Please comment below. We try our best to only post press releases that are associated with peer reviewed scientific literature. Critical discussions of the research are appreciated. If you need help finding a link to the original article, please contact us on twitter or via e-mail.

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Source: http://www.labspaces.net/127499/Riding_the_exosome_shuttle_from_neuron_to_muscle

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Sprial galaxy: Hidden depths of Messier 77 revealed

Mar. 28, 2013 ? Messier 77 is a galaxy in the constellation of Cetus, some 45 million light-years away from us. Also known as NGC 1068, it is one of the most famous and well-studied galaxies. It is a real star among galaxies, with more papers written about it than many other galaxies put together.

Despite its current fame and striking swirling appearance, the galaxy has been a victim of mistaken identity a couple of times; when it was initially discovered in 1780, the distinction between gas clouds and galaxies was not known, causing finder Pierre Mechain to miss its true nature and label it as a nebula. It was misclassified again when it was subsequently listed in the Messier Catalogue as a star cluster.

Now, however, it is firmly categorised as a barred spiral galaxy, with loosely wound arms and a relatively small central bulge. It is the closest and brightest example of a particular class of galaxies known as Seyfert galaxies -- galaxies that are full of hot, highly ionised gas that glows brightly, emitting intense radiation.

Strong radiation like this is known to come from the heart of Messier 77 -- caused by a very active black hole that is around 15 million times the mass of our Sun. Material is dragged towards this black hole and circles around it, heating up and glowing strongly. This region of a galaxy alone, although comparatively small, can be tens of thousands of times brighter than a typical galaxy.

Although no competition for the intense centre, Messier 77's spiral arms are also very bright regions. Dotted along each arm are knotty red clumps -- a signal that new stars are forming. These baby stars shine strongly, ionising nearby gas which then glows a deep red colour as seen in the image above. The dust lanes stretching across this image appear as a rusty, brown-red colour due to a phenomenon known as reddening; the dust absorbs more blue light than red light, enhancing its apparent redness.

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Source: http://feeds.sciencedaily.com/~r/sciencedaily/top_news/~3/ecypzfdwMAw/130328125104.htm

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The Jaw-Dropping Reason Congress Drafted DOMA: 'Moral Disapproval of Homosexuality' (Atlantic Politics Channel)

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Easter Ideas: 8 Quick And Easy Holiday Crafts Using Paper (PHOTOS)

One of our favorite things about making homemade holiday decorations is how we can personalize them to our specific style. But if you're a craft-lover who's been intimidated by tackling elaborate DIYs, we've got something more suited for your comfort level. Today's Easter ideas go back to the crafting basics: paper! From weaving together a basket made of brown grocery bags to creating confetti-filled pi?atas, the variety of projects you can create are endless. In the slideshow below, we've pulled together some of our favorite projects that bloggers have conjured up. Go on and take a look.

• Paper Eggs

  These colorful <a href="http://craftandcreativity.com/blog/2013/03/12/papereggs/" target="_blank">paper eggs by Craft and Creativity</a> are perfect gifts and/or decorations for the Easter season.

• Easter Chicks Candy Treats

  These chicks make for the most adorable treat packages to give your kids. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N6fOl6OF3gM" target="_blank">The Kitchen Table Stamper</a> has all of the details for this craft.

• Pi?ata Eggs

  In the mood for smashing something around? Well you might want to try making these super-easy pi?ata eggs. Head on over <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/25/easter-ideas-pinata-eggs_n_2945141.html" target="_blank">to our feature </a>of A Subtle Revelry's craft.

• Tiny Flower Baskets

  Nothing reminds us of Easter more than a basket of spring flowers. These miniature paper baskets by Paper N Stitch are adorable Easter gifts for family and friends. Learn more <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/20/easter-ideas-tiny-flower-baskets_n_2902413.html" target="_blank">on our feature of the same craft</a>.

• Paper Bag Easter Basket

  We all have some extra grocery bags lying around. So why not put them to use as baskets? Head on over <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/03/easter-craft-ideas-make-a_n_1398429.html" target="_blank">to our feature</a> of Ellinee's idea for more information.

• Paint Chip Egg Garland

  Have some of these color swatches lying around? Turn them into a beautiful garland. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/24/easter-ideas-diy-paper-egg-garland_n_2933455.html" target="_blank">Read our feature</a> of MPMK's idea for more information.

• Paper Flower Eggs

  These paper flowers add a unique and elegant touch to the traditional egg. Read more <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/04/04/easter-craft-paper-flower-eggs_n_1401127.html" target="_blank">at our feature</a> on Such Pretty Things' Easter egg idea.

• Finger Print Name Cards

  Our very own Editor Shana Ecker decided to share her adorable finger print name card craft for the Easter holiday. To learn how she made these, head on over <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shana-ecker/easter-craft-diy-finger-print-name-cards_b_1403330.html" target="_blank">to our article for the inside scoop</a>.

If you want even more Easter ideas, check out our our board on Pinterest.

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Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/27/easter-ideas-paper-crafts_n_2957631.html

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Stalled Las Vegas Strip project to get new owner

LAS VEGAS (AP) ? An Asian conglomerate says it will break ground next year on a long-stalled project that could help revitalize a dilapidated section of the Las Vegas Strip.

The Genting Group announced Monday that it is buying the site where Boyd Gaming Corp.'s partially built Echelon project has gathered dust for four years.

Genting says it will build a multi-billion dollar casino, its first in Las Vegas, on the 87-acre site.

The "Resorts World Las Vegas" project will feature 3,500 hotel rooms, a convention center and a 4,000-seat theater.

Echelon is one of a handful of high-profile multibillion-dollar projects that has stalled out indefinitely on the Las Vegas Strip since the economy crashed.

The partially-built complex on the northern end of the Las Vegas Strip was to be a mixed-use development complete with 5,000 rooms in six hotels, lush landscaping and luxury amenities.

The 48-year-old Stardust resort was demolished in 2007 to make way for the $4.8 billion project, which was slated to open next to Circus Circus by 2010.

Construction workers toiled for a year and built 12 stories on the corner of Las Vegas Boulevard and Desert Inn Road before the credit markets choked and Boyd Gaming Corp abruptly put the enterprise on hold.

The north Strip is also home to the Fontainebleau Las Vegas, a hulking bluish-green tower that was 70 percent completed when the construction workers were dismissed, and the Sahara hotel-casino, which went dark in 2011, and only recently began renovations.

The northern part of the tourist corridor used to boast casinos considered the pinnacle of luxury and style, but has fallen into disrepair in recent years.

The Genting Group said it plans to break ground on the new project in 2014, and open in 2016, creating tens of thousands of jobs in the process.

"This is an unparalleled opportunity to showcase what has made the Resorts World brand a globally recognized success for the past several decades," CEO KT Lim said in a statement.

Officials are expected to release additional details during a morning press conference.

The conglomerate already operates casinos in New York state, the Philippines, the United Kingdom, Singapore, and the Bahamas.

It opened its first casino in 1971, in Malaysia.

___

Hannah Dreier can be reached at http://twitter.com/hannahdreier

Associated Press

Source: http://hosted2.ap.org/APDEFAULT/f70471f764144b2fab526d39972d37b3/Article_2013-03-04-US-Resorts-World-Vegas/id-5bf44cfa30fd49569c456ddb524f48e5

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IMPERFECTIONS & RELATIONSHIPS: Relating to the imperfection ...

It is only imperfection that complains of what?is imperfect. The more perfect we are the more?gentle and quiet we become towards the defects of?others.??Joseph Addison

When Mr. J and I talked about getting married, I argued?in full support of living in a duplex. He could have?one side?the one with fishing tackle on the dining?room table and the mustard-yellow recliner in front of the big?screen. My side would be lined with carefully shelved books?and fresh flowers and clean countertops. We could sneak back?and forth when we felt like it. Everyone laughed at the idea. I?laughed at the idea. But I was only half kidding. Though I grew?up in the household of two happily married parents, I wasn?t?sure about the whole marriage thing for myself.

I like my quiet. My space. My stuff. I value order and?cleanliness. I like things to go my way. Marriage, at least the?way I understood it, meant a lot of times things would go his?way. It?s about sharing and compromise and commitment and?trust. In other words, it is not all about me.

And there was more: I was very comfortable, happy even,?living on my own. I was getting to know myself and becoming?clear about what I wanted, what I needed, and how totally crazy,?irrational, and self-absorbed I could be. I was learning to live?with my own imperfections; I wasn?t sure anyone else could.

But Mr. J had this incredible, good-natured spirit and energy?about him. And I wanted a piece of that. I knew I needed?that in my life.

The energy exchange

Every relationship?the one you have with your mother or best?friend, the one with your spouse or grocery store checker?is?based upon this kind of energy exchange, according to neuroscientist?Peggy La Cerra.

This is why we are drawn to others in the first place. ?Being?alive is an ongoing search for energy, and relationships provide an invaluable form,? La Cerra writes. Romantic relationships?begin then from this place of selfishness. The other?individual has something we want?energy?and when we get?a piece of that, we feel good, cared for, revitalized, and loved.

In other words, we have an agenda from the get-go. We?want a mate who brings good energy and one who folds the?whites. This need for cooperation and care stems from our?evolutionary ancestors. The cave dwellers who lived and?worked together tended to last longer than those free agents?who refused to wash the clamshells. Cooperation was a biggie?in the cave.

These days, if we have a partner, aka ?Energy Supplier,??who is willing to grow, adapt, clean the house, cook, chew?with his mouth closed, and tell us how great we look in those?jeans?we?ve got a good thing going. We do not want a partner?who can?t find the toilet brush.

?People really want gods and goddesses,? says family?therapist and author Terry Real.

?We all want a free pass for our imperfections and yet we?all want perfection in our mate,? he says. ?But we are woefully?imperfect human beings. If you do find your god or goddess,?what would they want with you? You?ll still be imperfect.?

Imperfection and disillusionment

When you realize sometime after the wedding that the ?God??you married is actually transforming back into his human state,?it?s easy to become disillusioned.

We enter what Real calls the ?Knowledge Without Love??phase. We know our partner never picks up the towels, or
wipes off the counters. We know he gets snappy when he?s?stressed and it?s just not cute anymore. It?s not even OK; we?don?t like it. Not one bit. In this stage we clearly recognize?each other?s imperfections, but we don?t have a lot of love or?patience for them.

Our focus goes to our partner?s failings, instead of to what?we can do to support the relationship. We become a self-centred?energy sucker and the relationship shifts from a unified,?cooperative approach into the Janet Jackson Model of ?What?has he done for me laaate-ly??

The gap between real and ideal

This process?the shift from the honeymoon phase to the youmake-me-crazy phase?can be sudden and mystifying. Though?the common misconception is that opposites attract, research?shows that we generally enter into relationships with people?who have similar backgrounds, behaviors, and attitudes. We?relate best to people who are like us. And, perfection seekers?that we are, we like it when our partner represents some aspect?of our ideal. When our partner, the kind and patient person?who listens well while whipping up a tasty carbonara, becomes?more real than ideal, it?s disappointing, unsettling, and totally?and completely annoying.

This makes it much easier to blame him for all the failures?in the relationship, as well as the growing unemployment rate,?and the hostility in the Middle East. When you?re focused on?the imperfections?especially those in others?they show up?everywhere.

So we go to work trying to change our partner, I mean the?situation, for the sake of the relationship. We do this by nagging?and criticizing. We roll our eyes and respond sarcastically. We?interrupt and overreact to show our displeasure, and hopefully,?motivate him to knock off all his freakin? irritating behaviour.

Sometimes people do change or they are willing to work to improve?at least some aspects of their behaviour. But mostly what?you get when you try to force your partner to live up to your?own expectations of perfection is angry. Angry that those same?old issues keep cropping up and angry that nothing is getting?better. This anger leads to sadness and an emotional chasm. A?spiritual disconnect occurs, too, when you live with judgement,?impatience, and intolerance for others. Spirit emanates from?love and compassion. It doesn?t usually cast a vote on who is?the better driver.

A healthier, more practical way to nurture a life-enriching?relationship is to drop the self-righteousness and hypocrisy and?get real about the baggage you?re bringing into the relationship.?Then you have a real shot at building a relationship that is?interesting, honest, and sustainable out of all that imperfection.

?What rankles us can also unite us,? Real says. ?Perfect?is boring. With imperfections you have the capacity to dive?deeper into your own growth.?

How imperfections power relationships

The cosmic joke, then, is that the same flaw-filled moments and?behaviours that drive us crazy in our relationships are essential?to helping us heal, connect, and learn.

Greater Intimacy ? Closeness emerges from a mutual tolerance. To be less than perfect and still be loved is a gift and?one way we learn how to love others. When we ?fess up to our?imperfections and take responsibility for our mistakes, we?re?showing respect and vulnerability to our partner.

An expression of sincere emotion can do this too. When?you open up and say, ?I?m afraid? or ?I?m not good at this? or??I feel embarrassed,? or when you offer a genuine apology and?say, ?I?m sorry,? you are inviting your partner in.

He then can offer up empathy, support, forgiveness, or?insight. He can share the moment of discomfort with you and?you become allies.

?That kind of sincere sharing promotes compassion, inspiration,?and creativity within couples,? says relationship guru Katie?Hendricks, of The Hendricks Institute and co-author, along with her husband Gay Hendricks, of Conscious Loving: The?Journey to Co-Commitment.?Oh, and here?s a tip: Don?t be a jerk when your partner?is sharing his vulnerabilities. This kind of disclosure can be?enlightening and helpful, but if misused as a weapon during?a fight, it will undermine the intimacy and trust you?ve?established.

Greater health and healing -?Plenty of research indicates that?our mental and physical health, longevity, and well-being is?influenced by our mates. If one person makes bad or unhealthy?choices, the other tends to as well. When my husband opts for?a milkshake, for example, I?m rarely standing at the door saying,??No, honey. That?s not a smart choice.? More likely, I?ll?give him a quick kiss, hand him the keys to the car, and push?him out the door while yelling, ?Make mine chocolate!?

But romantic relationships do contribute to healthier habits?as well, and can help heal old wounds.

Real and other family therapists and psychologists like?Harville Hendrix, PhD, say we are unconsciously attracted to?people who we believe will satisfy the emotional needs that we?didn?t get met in childhood. Real calls it our ?unfinished business.?

Often, he says, we choose to be in relationships with?people who are a milder version of our parents or childhood?caregivers. These people then inadvertently help us recreate our?early challenges so that we can, with any luck, master them,?move beyond them, and finally grow up.

?The imperfections then become a resource for our own?healing,? Real says. ?Our imperfections harken back to childhood?and the relationship can become a Petri dish that can help?grow a new you.?

Greater self-knowledge ? Another way our partner?s flaws benefit?us is through greater self-understanding. Think about this:?If there is something that really bugs you about him, you probably?do it too. The things we are able to see in others are often?the things we need to work on within ourselves.

Instead of lashing out then, next time he procrastinates,?let his annoying behaviour teach you something about yourself.?Then get up and clean out that closet you?ve been meaning to?get to for the last two years.

Part of being in relationship is about picking the person?with the issues that you can live with, issues that match up?best against your issues. If you can remember that your mate?s?imperfections aren?t manifest simply to make you batty, you?ll?do better. And, no matter what he says, your flaws do not make
you the devil incarnate.

Instead of getting hung up on every little thing, lighten up?a bit. Laugh together a little more. Let a few things go and offer?up some compassion and forgiveness to each other. That can?make day-to-day marriage management a whole lot easier.

Relationship tips and taboos

Taboo: Making it personal

The other day, my husband, Mr. J, parked so close to the?rock wall in our driveway that I couldn?t open the door. Fortunately,?aided by my squealing (think puppy locked in a car with?the windows rolled up squealing), he quickly noticed his error?and moved the car so I could actually get out of the vehicle,?thus ending the drama. Or so he thought.?It was not over for me. ?How could you do that? I mean,?why would you park there so I couldn?t get out??

?I guess I just wasn?t thinking,? he said.

?What! What? I am your wife, how could you not be?thinking of me? Did you forget I was sitting there? I gave birth?to your child, for goodness sake, and you can?t bother to make?room for me to get out of the car? I am always thinking of?you,? I huffed.

Except perhaps in that moment, when I was thinking?mostly about how ticked I was. We ended up spinning into an?argument about how I overreact and he?s self-absorbed. It was?not a good night, but we did have a quiet dinner.

What if I hadn?t taken it all so personally?

We all do stupid things. Mistakes happen. But everything?that comes up is not a statement of your value to the relationship.?It is not always about you.

Tip: Offer compassion

?The Dalai Lama says that being compassionate is the one?time when it?s OK to be selfish,? says Dr. James Doty, director?of The Center for the Study of Compassion and Altruism Research?and Education. ?Because when you are compassionate?to others, you also benefit so greatly by doing it.?

When you give to someone else, when you offer kindness?and compassion, not only does the recipient feel better but your?own stress levels decrease and you become more nurturing. All?this is good for the relationship. With compassion you step into?what Peggy La Cerra calls ?enlightened self-interest.? In other?words, you give a little, you get a little, it?s all good.

Taboo: Expecting too much

When I got married, a wise friend of mine told me, ?Don?t?expect him to fulfill your every need. He can?t do it all. He?doesn?t have to do it all. Give to yourself and find family and?friends and others to give you some of the things he cannot.?

That?s good advice for any relationship. We are multidimensional?beings with varied interests and desires and no?spouse or mother, or partner or girlfriend can fill all the roles in?our lives, and they don?t have to.

Your spouse?s inability to pick upholstery colours, for example,?isn?t a shortcoming or failure. His apathy when it comes?to the green mouldy stuff in the fridge isn?t anyone?s fault. Differences?while at times hard to live with?don?t have to be a?liability.

Tip: Remember the alternative

When you?re caught up in the niggling annoyances of?a relationship, consider the alternative, says self-help and relationship?guru Arielle Ford. What would it take to forever?eliminate the muddy shoes in the doorway or the wet towels on?the carpet? Probably the end of the relationship or the demise?of your significant other. This is a bone-jarring alternative.

We all have little habits and traits that are probably not?going to change?ever. Mr. J pours out his pockets on the counter?each day and it makes me crazy. But when I realized that to?have clean counters would mean I no longer had Mr. J, things?got really clear. I?ll take a cluttered counter any day, as long as?I have him in my life.

Tip: Stop keeping score

I used to be a scorekeeper?silently weighing how much I?do during the day compared to how much he does. I decided to?change that bad habit when I realized one night that he takes?out the garbage, every single night, without complaint. He just?does it. I?ve found that by appreciating what he does do, instead?of making comparisons, I feel better and we?re more cooperative.

Same is true with arguments. Our disagreements basically?fall under two categories: parenting and communication, with?a little give-me-the-remote thrown in. But we know that both?of us have made a bunch of mistakes over the years, so it?s not?even worth keeping track. There are no grudges here. We?re?doing our best, and sometimes even that is terrible. But if you?both continuously throw out gold stars or red cheques every?time someone does something, your relationship becomes more?performance-based than a partnership. That way, somebody is?bound to lose and that is bad for both of you.

Taboo: Looking for balance

No matter how much effort you put in it?s never going to?be equal so get over it. There is no such thing as balance in life?or in love. There are entire weeks where I?m making the meals?and doing the laundry and the bulk of other chores while he?s?immersed in work or on a special fishing trip or whatever it is?that is attracting his attention. And then life will tilt back a bit?and he?ll step in and do more than his share when I?m out with?the girls or consumed by work, or whatever it is that?s driving?me that week. We go like this, back and forth.?Sometimes totally?engaged and working together, other times half-zoned out?with the partner picking up the slack.

It?s not a perfect process. Relationships are rarely a slew?of equal moments shared 50/50 but ultimately it all evens out.?Everyone gets a shift. The key is to keep talking about what?s?important to each of you and the relationship, to expand and?constrict around the needs of each individual, and then to find?time to regroup as a couple.

Tip: Watch your words

Choosing your words carefully when you?re talking over?problems, imperfections, or daily dilemmas can make the process?more productive. If something is bugging you, it?s definitely?worth talking about, but phrase it as a question or request?rather than as a complaint or criticism.

Here?s how it works: You feel angry and overwhelmed by?the amount of responsibility you?re taking on at home. Instead?of launching into a ?you-never-do-anything? monologue, start?the conversation differently.??I?m feeling tired and overwhelmed and it feels important?to me to have some help around the house. Would you be willing?to do the dishes tonight??

By making a request you invite your partner into the process. It allows you to state your needs and gives him an opportunity?to meet them without feeling criticized or nagged. You?may not get the answer you want, but hopefully, it will be the?start of a respectful conversation.

Other words like ?thoughtful? and ?understand? have?been shown in research to help diffuse arguments and lower?stress. ?I statements,? where you begin with ?I? and then express?how you?re feeling or what you need, also work to put?your focus solidly on yourself and to share your experience?without blame.

?Often, during an argument or disagreement, we slip into?our territorial or reptilian brains and experience the fight-or-flight?emotions and behaviours that leave us feeling defensive and?combative,? Katie Hendricks says. A careful choice of words?can eliminate that edgy feeling, connect you to your cognitive?brain, and help you communicate effectively to solve problems. ?The big payoff is that you spend less and less time in?repetitive patterns that never seem to resolve the big issue,??Hendricks says.

Tip: Take time-outs and give do-overs

My friend Kelly is good about giving do-overs and she?reminds me of the importance of making space for screw-ups.

Sometimes we just get it wrong. We don?t do it on purpose.?We?re human and we make mistakes. In these moments?remember that not everything has to be a life lesson. Not everything?needs to be talked about or understood or explained?or apologized for. Not everything means doom to the ?relationship.?Sometimes, a mistake is just a mistake.

This is the prime time for a do-over. When someone?as?in you?veers wildly off course into anger or blame or over-reaction, take a deep breath and ask for a do-over. Make sure?you offer plenty to your partner too. Most of us do a lot better
when we get a second chance.

Or, try a time-out. Don?t just huff out of the room, but?mention that you need a break and ask if you can finish the?conversation when things have calmed. Then go someplace?quiet, take some deep breaths, clear your head, and come back?to deal with the situation in a less confrontational way. I even?do this with my daughter. Sometimes instead of giving her one,?I offer a time-out to myself, and then I run like crazy for the?bedroom. A pause can help you move from the big emotion to?a more productive problem-solving perspective.

Tip: Forgive

Even the good among us think about the merits of revenge.?Anthropologists say it?s a universal trait to want to go after?those who came after you. In other cultures, revenge worked?to deter those who might do future harm. In intimate relationships,?it doesn?t work so well.
Forgiveness, another evolutionary quality, is a better way?to go. Research out of Stanford University indicates that those?who cannot forgive, experience greater stress and health problems?including heart disease, cancer, high blood pressure, and?lower immune response. Hanging onto the stress of what happened?can actually make you sick. Forgiveness is the antidote.

Tip: Give a good hug

Hugs, handshakes, and even high-fives have been shown?in studies to boost performance and promote healing. Another?study indicated that students who received a touch on the back?from a teacher were twice as likely to participate in class, says?Tiffany Field, the director of the Touch Research Institute at?the University of Miami School of Medicine.

Touch unleashes a physical and emotional response that?reduces stress, eases dark moods, and helps us feel better. Lack?of touch has been associated with more aggressive and violent?behaviours.

Make time for this kind of physical connection with your?partner. Hold hands. Reach over and pat his arm, or gently?place your hand along her cheek. Give a shoulder rub. Hug him?when he walks through the door. Physical contact is a basic?human need. Make sure you are reaching out, in a literal way,?to each other.

Tip: Take care of yourself

There comes a time in every relationship where you need?to take a clear-headed look at what?s going on and ask, ?Am?I getting enough from this relationship to make what I?m not?getting OK???Obviously, violence in a relationship, or abuse of any?kind, is a deal breaker. Seek professional help, call a domestic?violence hotline, and learn how to get out of the situation in a?way that won?t put you at greater risk.

An act of faith

Every union has a unique set of challenges and issues and imperfections?that ebb and flow with the happenings and circumstances?of our daily lives. To be deeply connected to one another?is to live gracefully with your partner?s imperfections, as?well as your own. This can be hard to do, but when we work?at it, we also have a shot at knowing ourselves better. We get a?chance to love and be loved and the freedom that comes from?that. It?s all an act of faith, for sure, but that is the spark of all?spiritual growth.

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IN THE MOMENT PRACTICES

Focus on fondness

Often we pick and fret and worry about all that our?partner isn?t doing right. If you?re romantically involved?with a human being and not a blow-up doll, you?re?likely to find plenty of flaws to dwell on. But for five?minutes, while you?re doing the dishes, or folding the?clothes or driving to work, or listening to a song that?you love, focus only on the good things, the things you?love about this person, the things that make you laugh.?Get very specific, and as your mind starts to wander to?the irritations (yeah, it will), bring it back to fondness.?When we remember what we truly love or appreciate,?we also act more loving. Just a few minutes of focused?fondness can ease a little relationship strife and promote?better feelings.

Make contact

Next time your partner walks in the door, get up, greet?him with a hug or a kiss, and hold tight for a minute.?This isn?t a sensuous, let?s-get-it-on kind of touch, just?a tight, loving, nurturing embrace that?s good for both?of you.

A moment of appreciation

Turn the television off, put down the iPad and the?iPod and the iPhone, and sit down and talk to your partner?for twenty minutes.

Start by sharing five things you appreciate about?him, preferably specific things you experienced that day.?Perhaps he checked in from work, or did the dishes, or?gave a good hug, or picked up the kids from childcare.

Don?t ask or expect him to share his appreciations?with you. If he does, great, but this is your gift of love?and compassion to him. It also helps you see that despite?all of the imperfections there is plenty of good going?on in the relationship.

This practice, particularly if you do it daily, or at least?several times a week, helps you connect to that goodness.

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One path: A focus on what works

His sarcasm makes her crazy?and makes her laugh.

The way she gets so emotionally wrapped up in?things bugs him a bit, but he loves how caring and compassionate?she is.

Despite twenty years together, thirteen of them married,?and the changes and challenges that come in any?relationship, Kristin and Josh Mauer say they focus more?on what works than the irritants and imperfections in?the relationship.

?There have been times when I?d try to change her?or she me but I don?t think that would ever work out. I?don?t think we really want to do that,? says Josh, thirty-seven,?manager of a landscape company. ?I know myself?better. I know who she is and it?s all OK. I think we?can understand the differences and not get upset about?all those little things. Everybody has their stuff?things?that are negative?but we don?t get too wrapped up in?all that.?

Five years ago, though, things weren?t quite so easy.?Financial challenges pushed Kristin to take a job she?despised that kept her away from their two daughters.?Josh?s long workdays at the company he built added?stress and the relationship was bowing under the pressure.

?It was just kind of a gray time,? said Kristin, thirty-five. ?I got to a point where I was just totally lost. I?stopped doing the things I liked to do; we had financial?stress, and a routine that consisted of chores and duties.?It created a lot of friction. We lost our solidarity.?

Instead of calling it quits (both admit they thought?about it), the couple sat down, re-examined their values?and their dreams for the future, and realized their marriage?was part of that plan. Then they made some big?life changes.

Josh sold his business and took a job in Mississippi.?Kristin was reluctant to move away from both of their?families, but she agreed to the change because it allowed?her to be home with their daughters and together?Josh and Kristin reconnected as a couple. Out of one of?the most difficult times in their relationship evolved one?of the best.

?There definitely are bumps in the road,? Josh says.??But the big thing is what are you going to do about?that? Are you gonna cut and run away or stay and make?it work??

To make it work, Kristin and Josh, who now live in?Virginia, rarely focus on the other?s flaws and they often?move beyond disagreements by agreeing to simply let?them go.

?Nobody needs to be right or wrong. It isn?t about?winning,? Kristin says. ?It?s about accepting each other?and the circumstances and moving on and moving towards?what matters more.?

?You can get pissed, but the bottom line is it?s really?not that big of a deal. Why hold on to it and let it flood?through the rest of the day?? Kristin says.??You can choose what to focus on,? Josh says. ?I think?Kristin and I focus on all the good there is.?

Polly?Campbell?s articles on personal development topics and?spiritual practices appear regularly in national publications?and blogs, and she is also a professional speaker who inspires?and energizes audiences with a blend of wit and wisdom.?You can find her at ?www.imperfectspirituality.com.This article was excerpted from Polly Campbell?s book Imperfect Spirituality: Extraordinary Enlightenment for Ordinary People, published by Viva Editions. Copyright ? 2012 by Polly Campbell

image: Manuel Lao (Creative Commons BY)

Source: http://www.themindfulword.org/2013/imperfections-relationships/

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